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A party and event today – I’m all ready! Praying my pain can go away for a few hours do I can get through. #Facepainting #balloonanimals #parties

Judgemental

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After Joseph was betrayed horrifically by his brothers, I was amazed and challenged by his attitude. After being sold as a slave because of their jealousy, Joseph finds himself second in charge over all of Egypt and after his father dies, his brothers begs for forgiveness.

Joseph’s response is surprising, “Don’t be afraid. Do I act for God? Don’t you see, you planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now—life for many people. Easy now, you have nothing to fear; I’ll take care of you and your children.” (Genesis 50:19-20, MSG)

It is not my job to judge anyone, even those who hurt, deceive an stab me in the back. That’s Gods job. The only thing I am required to do is forgive and to continue to forgive and forgive some more. It’s easy to look down on others based on their looks, actions, relationships, attitudes, clothes, wealth (or lack of), belongings, technology, beliefs, words, hobbies, talents, accidents and deliberate wrong doings. The list goes on. However, I find it refreshing that it’s not up to me to "make sure justice is done” – the only one who should be doing that is out loving, merciful and gracious creator.

Forgive, don’t judge – pretty please.

Reflections on Genesis 32

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Genesis 32:9-10 (MSG)“And then Jacob prayed, “God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, God who told me, ‘Go back to your parents’ homeland and I’ll treat you well.’ I don’t deserve all the love and loyalty you’ve shown me. When I left here and crossed the Jordan I only had the clothes on my back, and now look at me—two camps!”

This is just before the well known story when Jacob wrestles with God. Jacob is fearing for his life and the life of his family and livestock – the brother he betrayed and stole from is headed his way. He sets a plan in motion, sending his camps and family ahead. 

This prayer reminded me of Gods unconditional grace and that I must come before him humble. Like Jacob, I don’t deserve all the love and loyalty God has shown me. Yet, despite my depravity and disobedience, Jesus allowed me to receive the ultimate blessing; perfect peace and a relationship with my creator (Romans 5:8). This part of Gods nature, offering us undeserved favour, is continually revealed throughout history.

I praise my Creator for the blessing of being loved and chosen to have an untainted relationship with him, even though, like Jacob I don’t deserve it.

“When do you write and why?”

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I write when I am overwhelmed with emotion. I often find myself burdened with depression, anger, disappointment, frustration, anxiety and physical pain. I suffer from severe, chronic pelvic pain caused by a medical condition called endometriosis. I also battle a complex mood disorder and have since I was a child. As such, emotions have been my main inspiration for creative writing since childhood. My feelings manifest within, as images and phrases; they then translate into lyrics, poetry or dramatic dialogue. It has helped me conquer self-harm and suicide. So, throughout my life creative writing has become one of my closest companions and a best friend to my physical and mental illnesses. I also write when I am filled with joy, sadly however, this doesn’t happen often. Essentially, I write when I am feeling emotional as it helps me cope with life by expressing, exploring and escaping my often overwhelming and painful reality.

What a waste!

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So, I went to my surgeon to get some questions answered. He wouldn’t quickly reply to my e-mail, so I had to go in. 15 minutes and $140 later I was left with no hope at all, just a script for an injection called Zoladex, or Goserelin. Now, Goserelin is used in men to treat prostate cancer. It is used in women to treat certain breast cancers or a certain uterus disorder (endometriosis). 

The worst part, which puts me in quite a dilemma, are the side-effects: lots of weight gain, anxiety and hot flushes. I don’t think is very wise then, for someone who already weighs over 110kg, has a unstable mental illness and over-heats to take suck medication.

Is further weight gain, added anxiety and more heat worth the great possibility of pain relief?… did I mention they are injections that last for 6 months, so “stopping” the treatment isn’t an option.

Oh the dilemma. Someone, please, make this decision easier!

“Pain Poem”

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Pain;
feeling trapped
stuck      
lost
helpless
completely hopless
trapped.

 My eyes open,
I feel the ache
and when they close,
I’ve had no break.
It takes control, I try to fight
but the exhaustion , with its might
     brings me down
                        again
                        again
                        again
                         and
                        again

 …but I’ll try to overcome
but I won’t let it win

I’ll take courage and I’ll accept
these will be my first steps
as I do my best to learn
and my old life,
                        no longer mourned.

So, this is what I’ll do
relax and meditate,
pacing while I exercise.
I’ll stretch my muscles and my mind –
with courage
                  not fear
                              intertwined.
So, amongst the pain and struggle,
thankful I’ll still be
for the grace and endless mercies
my Lord has given me.

And as I wander slowly
through a world tainted by sin,
I’m now hopeful for what is to come:
the perfect healing heaven brings.

                                                                                    November 2013