I write when I am overwhelmed with emotion. I often find myself burdened with depression, anger, disappointment, frustration, anxiety and physical pain. I suffer from severe, chronic pelvic pain caused by a medical condition called endometriosis. I also battle a complex mood disorder and have since I was a child. As such, emotions have been my main inspiration for creative writing since childhood. My feelings manifest within, as images and phrases; they then translate into lyrics, poetry or dramatic dialogue. It has helped me conquer self-harm and suicide. So, throughout my life creative writing has become one of my closest companions and a best friend to my physical and mental illnesses. I also write when I am filled with joy, sadly however, this doesn’t happen often. Essentially, I write when I am feeling emotional as it helps me cope with life by expressing, exploring and escaping my often overwhelming and painful reality.
Category: Life
What a waste!
So, I went to my surgeon to get some questions answered. He wouldn’t quickly reply to my e-mail, so I had to go in. 15 minutes and $140 later I was left with no hope at all, just a script for an injection called Zoladex, or Goserelin. Now, Goserelin is used in men to treat prostate cancer. It is used in women to treat certain breast cancers or a certain uterus disorder (endometriosis).
The worst part, which puts me in quite a dilemma, are the side-effects: lots of weight gain, anxiety and hot flushes. I don’t think is very wise then, for someone who already weighs over 110kg, has a unstable mental illness and over-heats to take suck medication.
Is further weight gain, added anxiety and more heat worth the great possibility of pain relief?… did I mention they are injections that last for 6 months, so “stopping” the treatment isn’t an option.
Oh the dilemma. Someone, please, make this decision easier!
Shower time? :(
So, I really need a shower. Like, REALLY… but the thought of standing up for that long is so daunting. I wish I had a bathtub.
“Pain Poem”
Pain;
feeling trapped
stuck
lost
helpless
completely hopless
trapped.
My eyes open,
I feel the ache
and when they close,
I’ve had no break.
It takes control, I try to fight
but the exhaustion , with its might
brings me down
again
again
again
and
again
…but I’ll try to overcome
but I won’t let it win
I’ll take courage and I’ll accept
these will be my first steps
as I do my best to learn
and my old life,
no longer mourned.
So, this is what I’ll do
relax and meditate,
pacing while I exercise.
I’ll stretch my muscles and my mind –
with courage
not fear
intertwined.
So, amongst the pain and struggle,
thankful I’ll still be
for the grace and endless mercies
my Lord has given me.
And as I wander slowly
through a world tainted by sin,
I’m now hopeful for what is to come:
the perfect healing heaven brings.
November 2013
Let’s go walking
So, I did the right thing and went for a walk…. baaad idea 😦 I wish something in life could be easy.
A story about Cambodia
Dear everyone,
I’m gonna take a short break from Doctor Who gifs and Harry Potter quotes, and also, I’m gonna ask for your attention, as I have to tell you a little story, it’ll only take a couple of minutes and I’ll try to make it as short as possible.
This is my home, the Kingdom of…
Who am I?
I feel like I’ve lost the essence of who I am.
Friday night I met a gorgeous, funny and exuberant lady. Her energy was contagious. She reminded of my pre-endo me.
I don’t know if it’s the pain or the medications (probably both) but I feel like I’m not the Alex I used to be.
I used to run around the school grounds in order to accomplish my weekly tasks – I was a member of many, many groups. I used to be a social butterfly. I used to love going out. I used to love trying new things. I used to love theme parks and walking and meeting new people. I juggled multiple jobs whilst studying full time.
Now, I sit in a chair and hope someone will come and talk to me. I feel like I’ve got nothing exciting to talk about – I usually end up bring the mood down. The thought of walking around a theme park makes my uterus cringe. I desire to go new places and try new things, but the energy it takes makes it almost not worth it. I have left my job and about to study part time.
I don’t laugh as much. My “jokes” don’t make people laugh any more, but make them seriously worried about my mental health, “is she serious?” Well, at least my dark humour is funny to me, right?
I have so many dreams that are left untouched and as I get older and as each treatment fails, they become further out of sight. When I try new things, I am now more likely to fail than succeed.
This seems depressive – but I feel like a different person now and I actually miss the old Alex and I’m sure those who know and love me do too.
Bleh
what a joyous moment when you realise that nausea has become a daily symptom. Thank you endo, thank you.
I am grateful for my wonderful, friendly and empathetic chiropractor – I highly recommended Aline from The Family Chiropractic Clinic in Padstow. Day 75 #365daysofgratitude #365grateful #chiropractic #catchup (at Padstow Chiropractic Centre)
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Breaking Stigma 